Why I Won’t Apologize for Choosing Myself

Letting go in love, setting boundaries in truth, and walking in obedience to God

There came a point in my life where I had to stop explaining, defending, or apologizing for choosing myself, not out of pride, but out of necessity. This post is for the woman who’s been taught to stay, to shrink, or to suffer quietly. I’m here to tell you: you are allowed to choose peace. And no, you don’t have to apologize for it.

I will not apologize for choosing myself, especially when my mental health is being dismissed or my emotional well-being is treated like a burden. I’ve sat at tables where I left feeling more drained than seen. I’ve smiled through conversations that made me feel invisible. I’ve tried to hold on to friendships simply because of how long we’d known each other, not because they were still healthy or holy, and being plagued with the question, was it ever healthy or holy?

And as a communicator, that’s especially hard for me. I believe in honesty. I’m always open to hearing how I may have hurt someone. I welcome that. But the moment I realize I’m not being given that same space in return, when I’m not allowed to say how you made me feel, I feel emotionally stunted. I shut down. Because for me, every relationship needs to have room for open communication, mutual understanding, and accountability. If I can’t speak truthfully, then there’s nowhere to grow from there, and that’s not a relationship I can stay in.

I’ve stayed in places far longer than I should have, confusing loyalty with obedience, when deep down I knew God had already released me. The more I tried to prove my worth, the more I lost sight of what God was trying to protect in me. That stops now.

Let’s Talk About What Choosing Yourself Really Means

Choosing yourself doesn’t mean cutting everyone off or building a wall so high that no one can reach you. It means walking in agreement with God’s will. It means learning to listen to your body, your spirit, and the Holy Spirit, and taking action accordingly.

It means saying:

• “This doesn’t feel safe anymore.”

• “I’m not at peace here.”

• “I can love you and still let you go.”

How to Detect When It's Time to Move On in a Relationship

Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that includes family. It can be especially hard to release people when they share your blood, but even family can become a source of emotional harm when the relationship is one-sided, manipulative, or rooted in guilt and control. God does not call us to remain in relationships that consistently bear the fruit of confusion, sorrow, or oppression. Scripture tells us to walk in truth and love (Ephesians 4:15) and to guard our hearts with all diligence, for everything we do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). Sometimes the most loving and obedient thing we can do is create space, set limits, or let go entirely. Love does not mean staying bound to dysfunction. It means being led by peace and truth.

Here are some signs it may be time to release or redefine the relationship:

• You leave most conversations emotionally drained or second-guessing your worth.

• There’s consistent disrespect, dismissiveness, or manipulation, even if it’s subtle or “normalized.”

• Your spiritual, emotional, or mental growth feels stunted in their presence.

• You’re the only one doing the work… the calling, checking in, apologizing, planning, holding space.

• You’re constantly walking on eggshells or feeling like the “peacekeeper” of the family.

• You no longer feel like yourself around them. You feel small, silenced, or shamed.

• You feel guilted into staying close, even when the relationship is harming your peace.

And most importantly:

• God has been quietly tugging at your heart to let go — or at least to create distance.

Remember, honoring your family doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself. It’s okay to create space, establish limits, and redefine how you show up, even with the people who raised you or share your last name.

Boundaries You Must Keep (Even With Family)

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re dishonoring anyone. It simply means you’re honoring God’s command to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23).

Here are some non-negotiable boundaries I’ve had to establish:

• My peace is not up for debate. If I leave a conversation feeling spiritually heavy, that’s a red flag.

• No access without accountability. Blood makes us relatives, but respect makes us family.

• I don’t argue about who I’ve become. I’m growing, healing, and learning — and I’m not explaining that process to people committed to misunderstanding me.

• I protect my children’s atmosphere. If you bring confusion, chaos, or anything that doesn’t look like love, you don’t get to bring that into my home.

Why Communication Is Non-Negotiable for Me

I am a communicator. I need honest, open dialogue in my relationships, whether it’s family, friends, or anyone else. I’m always willing to hear how I’ve made someone feel. That matters to me. But when that space isn’t mutual, when I’m not allowed to share my feelings without being shut down, gaslit, or ignored, I feel stuck. Emotionally paralyzed.

Healthy relationships require two-way communication. Without it, there’s no room to grow, no way to heal, and no foundation to rebuild. If I can’t speak truthfully, I can’t move forward, and that’s when I know it’s time to walk away.

My Relationship Must-Haves

If we’re going to be connected, whether by blood, choice, or covenant, here are my must-haves:

• It must bear fruit. Growth, encouragement, accountability, and joy should be the fruit of healthy connection.

• It must honor God. If the relationship encourages sin, gossip, resentment, or disobedience to God’s word, I cannot stay aligned with it.

• It must be reciprocal. I’m not the only one pouring, praying, or initiating.

What It Means to Be a Generational Curse Breaker

Being a generational curse breaker means being the first to say:

• “This trauma ends with me.”

• “We will not raise our children in confusion.”

• “We will not keep secrets that rot the soul.”

• “We will not normalize dysfunction and call it tradition.”

It’s lonely sometimes. Heavy even. But it’s worth it. Because you’re choosing freedom for your children and your children’s children.

You’re breaking cycles of silence, guilt, poverty, fear, and brokenness. And you’re not doing it in your own strength, you’re doing it with the help of the Holy Spirit, therapy, prayer, boundaries, and bold faith.

When a Friendship Has Run Its Course

Every friendship isn’t forever and that’s okay.

Some signs the season is over:

• The conversations have become surface-level and strained.

• There’s no more mutual support, only nostalgia holding it together.

• Your values have shifted and there’s no longer alignment.

• They can’t celebrate your healing, only the old version of you.

• You feel more relieved than grieved when the friendship fades.

Let it go in grace. No drama, no shade. Just release and peace.

Final Thoughts

Choosing yourself might upset some people. You might be called selfish, too sensitive, or even “too holy.” But that’s okay. You’re not living for their approval, you’re living for God’s well done.

And let me say this clearly: staying in a relationship that has run its course can be more than just draining, it can become dangerous to your purpose. When God has shown you who someone is, and you ignore it, that disobedience has a cost. It can cost you peace. It can cost you clarity. And over time, it can even cost you your anointing if you’re not careful.

When you stay too long, you run the risk of being drawn into things that God already told you to walk away from. You open the door to bitterness, confusion, compromise, and even sin, all because you didn’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. But while you’re protecting them, who’s protecting you?

You are supposed to be the light in their life, but if that light isn’t drawing them toward truth, then their darkness may start dimming your flame. That’s not just emotionally unsafe, it’s spiritually dangerous.

We don’t stay in places out of guilt. We don’t entertain relationships out of obligation. We don’t keep giving access to people God has already removed from our future.

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to evolve. And you are commanded to obey God, even when that obedience looks like walking away.

So no, I will not apologize for choosing myself, because choosing myself is choosing obedience. And I will always choose the path that brings me closer to God, closer to peace, and closer to purpose.

While we are called to love and honor others — including our families — access is a different matter. Access is earned through accountability, respect, and mutual care, not simply given because of shared blood. And as we make decisions about who has access to us, we must also be willing to self-reflect. Healthy relationships are not one-sided. We should remain open to hearing how we’ve impacted others, honoring their boundaries as well, and making sure that we’re also showing up with love, truth, and emotional maturity. Healing is not about playing the victim. It’s about choosing wholeness, for ourselves and for those we’re connected to.